Two Fridays ago, Matthew worked a day shift, which means that he left around 6:30 and I got up at my regular time of 7:00. I sort of woke up while he was getting ready for work - I do that a lot now that he’s gone deaf in one ear and our new routine is that his alarm wakes me up and I shake/nudge/poke him until he turns it off – and he came to say goodbye on his way out. In a bit, I got up, went about my daily ablutions and went to work.
We had plans to meet after work for dinner and a movie that night, but during the morning, I remembered Matthew saying specifically that he would be using his work e-mail that day. I just couldn’t remember why I was supposed to e-mail him. I thought I could just e-mail and ask, but then I realized that I didn’t have his work e-mail address saved anywhere in my work e-mail. So when I had a minute, I browsed through all the e-mails from Matthew that I’ve saved in my Hotmail account to see if he’d ever sent me one from work. Now, Matthew and I met five years ago and since at that time he lived in London and I lived in Lawrence, Kansas, we spent the first 16 months of our relationship communicating primarily via e-mail. Often, we wrote several times a day, so we're talking about a lot of e-mail. Being a sentimental person, I seem to have saved almost every single one of those messages. I did lose a bunch of the very oldest ones in a Yahoo-related mishap, but there are still plenty. Some might say, more than enough.
I spent most of the afternoon reading dozens of old messages, which I found extremely entertaining. We were obviously trying to impress each other, but who wouldn’t have been impressed with a couple as witty, romantic, quirky, sweet and really, genuinely funny as we were. Matthew’s messages were great, of course, but I was especially struck with the picture of myself that emerged – funny, confident and sassy. This, even though I clearly remember actively pining for Matthew during my last few months in Lawrence. Of course he’d fall in love with that girl, I thought. She’s awesome!
Then I compared that girl to the way I’ve been for the past little while – instead of funny, confident and sassy, I’ve been feeling snarky, insecure and irritable. Still funny, of course, but in a cranky sort of way. I could imagine someone who’d fallen in love with the e-mail girl might feel slightly annoyed at the current state of things. And, to be honest, it was a lot more fun to be that girl than to mope around and be grumpy most of the time.
So I decided to do something about it. The next day I got a haircut and it’s been blue skies ever since! It hasn’t really, but I’ve actually maintained a positive attitude fairly consistently for almost two entire weeks. I feel like I’m remembering how to be myself. I’m having more fun with my clothes, thinking in terms of “outfits” and concepts and getting excited about dressing up for a birthday party or a leaving do or…a Tuesday. I made curtains for our kitchen window from a sweet little vintage print that my mom gave me. There’s enough left over that I might make an apron - or a skirt – or maybe a kerchief (as skirts can be tough to get just right). In addition, I have planned out several sewing projects that I think I might actually get around to doing. My plants are doing great and I’m starting to think about food crops for next year. I’ve become a weekday vegetarian (trying to only eat meat on weekends – but then it’s sausage, bacon and hot dogs for two days straight!). I’ve started using the phrase “funny, confident, sassy” as a sort of mantra which I repeat to myself when I’m feeling tired or deflated or lumpy; I think it actually improves my posture. I am considering getting my eyes lasered – but I’m also considering getting big, old-fashioned cat-eye glasses. Honestly, this is so much more fun that wearing very baggy grey clothes and complaining about English people all the time!
We had plans to meet after work for dinner and a movie that night, but during the morning, I remembered Matthew saying specifically that he would be using his work e-mail that day. I just couldn’t remember why I was supposed to e-mail him. I thought I could just e-mail and ask, but then I realized that I didn’t have his work e-mail address saved anywhere in my work e-mail. So when I had a minute, I browsed through all the e-mails from Matthew that I’ve saved in my Hotmail account to see if he’d ever sent me one from work. Now, Matthew and I met five years ago and since at that time he lived in London and I lived in Lawrence, Kansas, we spent the first 16 months of our relationship communicating primarily via e-mail. Often, we wrote several times a day, so we're talking about a lot of e-mail. Being a sentimental person, I seem to have saved almost every single one of those messages. I did lose a bunch of the very oldest ones in a Yahoo-related mishap, but there are still plenty. Some might say, more than enough.
I spent most of the afternoon reading dozens of old messages, which I found extremely entertaining. We were obviously trying to impress each other, but who wouldn’t have been impressed with a couple as witty, romantic, quirky, sweet and really, genuinely funny as we were. Matthew’s messages were great, of course, but I was especially struck with the picture of myself that emerged – funny, confident and sassy. This, even though I clearly remember actively pining for Matthew during my last few months in Lawrence. Of course he’d fall in love with that girl, I thought. She’s awesome!
Then I compared that girl to the way I’ve been for the past little while – instead of funny, confident and sassy, I’ve been feeling snarky, insecure and irritable. Still funny, of course, but in a cranky sort of way. I could imagine someone who’d fallen in love with the e-mail girl might feel slightly annoyed at the current state of things. And, to be honest, it was a lot more fun to be that girl than to mope around and be grumpy most of the time.
So I decided to do something about it. The next day I got a haircut and it’s been blue skies ever since! It hasn’t really, but I’ve actually maintained a positive attitude fairly consistently for almost two entire weeks. I feel like I’m remembering how to be myself. I’m having more fun with my clothes, thinking in terms of “outfits” and concepts and getting excited about dressing up for a birthday party or a leaving do or…a Tuesday. I made curtains for our kitchen window from a sweet little vintage print that my mom gave me. There’s enough left over that I might make an apron - or a skirt – or maybe a kerchief (as skirts can be tough to get just right). In addition, I have planned out several sewing projects that I think I might actually get around to doing. My plants are doing great and I’m starting to think about food crops for next year. I’ve become a weekday vegetarian (trying to only eat meat on weekends – but then it’s sausage, bacon and hot dogs for two days straight!). I’ve started using the phrase “funny, confident, sassy” as a sort of mantra which I repeat to myself when I’m feeling tired or deflated or lumpy; I think it actually improves my posture. I am considering getting my eyes lasered – but I’m also considering getting big, old-fashioned cat-eye glasses. Honestly, this is so much more fun that wearing very baggy grey clothes and complaining about English people all the time!
Oh, and I eventually just called Matthew at work to see why I was supposed to e-mail him. Apparently, I had asked him if he would be available on e-mail during the day and he said yes, on his work address. I was too asleep to remember asking (or why I did) later.
1 comment:
Hey, I know that "funny, confident, sassy" girl -- she grew up in my house.
I know you haven't always been "funny, confident, sassy" and at times have been that other girl [life can be SO rude, that way] but you will ALWAYS be MY LaLa!
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